Why Muscle Cars Beat Diamond Rings

If you haven’t already noticed, I’m not a normal gal.

In fact, I’ve been frequently called a man trapped in a (seriously hot, seriously female) body.  (Actually, the parenthetical part has never been spoken in my presence.  I was shaped like a ruler until a year ago when I started gaining weight.  Damn you, metabolism!)

This is why, when my then-fiance was talking about the purchase of an engagement present, I liked his first idea best: Engagement Muscle Car.

He had logical reasons for suggesting it (some of which are itemized below).  Of course, to me, logic was secondary to the noise a great muscle car made when driven (very quickly) under a bridge or down the highway.   Let’s be honest.  Muscle cars are hot.

I’ve always loved muscle cars.  They were the first thing that my husband and I had in common (him being the MacGuyver of anything mechanical, and me being physically aroused at anything sexy and fast).  The car he owned when I met him was a 1969 Stingray (though I always preferred the ’73 model, I wasn’t complaining.  Like, at all.)  Throughout the entirety of our 6 1/2 year courtship (don’t ask), we talked about Stingrays, and Ferraris, and Lotuses…anything that went fast and looked hot was on the conversational menu.  So it was really not surprising that our engagement conversation went like this:

Him: “So we’re getting married, right?”

Me: “Totally.  Duh.

Him: “Hmm…I think I’m supposed to get you a ring or something.”

Me:  “Meh.  Diamonds kill people.”

Him:  “You know what would be really great?”

Me/Him:  [simultaneously]  “Muscle Car.”

I don’t know how it actually went.  That was like, four years ago.  I’ve slept since then.

But anyway, over the next four years, I’ve begun to internally itemize all the reasons why my engagement muscle car beats a diamond ring.  Here are a mere few:

Reason #1

Diamonds: depreciate in price immediately after purchase =  -1

Muscle Car: appreciate in price over time (provided you didn’t buy it fully stocked and upgraded, which we did not) = +1

Reason #2

Diamonds: are cool to other women who care about diamonds* = 0

Muscle Car: are cool to anyone who loves muscle cars (regardless of gender) = +1

* Note: I’m not knocking it, ladies and gents who love diamonds.  it just ain’t me.  But just so nobody gets their feelings hurt, I won’t give it a -1.  (This time.)

Reason #3

Diamonds: can be stolen by muggers in dark alleyways =  -1

Muscle Car: significantly harder to steal (and in my case, cannot be stolen by anyone, regardless of location, unless they managed to take my car key which has a chip in it) = +1

Reason #4

Diamonds: have annoying commercials =  -1

Muscle Car: has awesome commercials = +1

Reason #5

Diamonds:  are inanimate objects, so do not go anywhere except on your finger =  -1

Muscle Car: will take you wherever you want to go, in style.  Sexy, sexy style = +1

Reason #6

Diamonds:  are responsible for the death and maiming of countless innocent lives, and make a lot of bad people a lot of money, and despite if the company promises it’s not a blood diamond, you will never really know, will you?! = -5

Muscle Cars: could potentially be responsible for death and maiming, but probably only people who deserved it = +1

Tally:

Diamonds: -9

Muscle Car: 6

I think I win my own argument.

And if that wasn’t enough, here is my engagement muscle car in question (’70 1/2 Chevy Camaro):

It's hot. I know. And this isn't even a good picture of it.

I rest my case.

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6 comments on “Why Muscle Cars Beat Diamond Rings

  1. I feel like if I knew you in real life, we’d be best friends, except for you’d be the cool, funny friend and I’d be the one who never talks. And also I drive a Honda Civic which is kind of lame so, um, would you mind driving us everywhere in your cool muscle car?

    Also, diamonds are stupid. My boyfriend plans on getting me new music equipment when he proposes, but now I’m kind of liking this car idea…

    -Nichole
    http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com

    • I thought we were already BFFs by proxy of Patch? I think that’s how it works. BFF-Osmosis. *sage nod*

      And worry not, my newest BFF! I drive a regular car too. (It’s an Acura, and yours is a Honda, so it’s further proof that we are BFF! Since I drive the nicer version of your car. Except yours is probably newer than mine, so you may win there.) However, I already sense that if you and I were both parading around in the EMC together, that boys would be chasing after us and hanging onto the car like lovestruck zombies. (And then we’d run them over! But only the not-hot ones. It’s like we’re helping the environment and stuff.)

      I firmly suggest you directly, or indirectly, draw your boyfriend to this page. It’s win-win, because I get more pageviews, and you get the thought planted in his head that he can be cool. Except, if he buys you a Gremlin or whatever, don’t blame me. You need to specify!

  2. yearstricken says:

    Loved this post. Then when I saw that I could help cure cancer by clicking the button, I did. I’m assuming you’ll send me a post once it’s found.

  3. Oh snap. I have a Mini Cooper shared with the hubby and his mom (don’t ask). But MY vehicle is a Harley Davidson Sportster :) My last car in the US was a 91 Firebird, dark green with t-tops. My dream cars as a teen were a Lamborghini Countach and a big, black Kenworth with a sleeper cab (not the slope-nosed one, the big square fuck you I’m a truck one). And I have an emerald on the obligatory ring. #4 is my fav reason, BTW :)

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